Finding Forever
by D4L3K
Summary: After the “death” of his beloved Rose Tyler, the Doctor finds that love is the one thing that cannot die.
1. Prologue

Finding Forever

Prologue

_Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. -Sydney J. Harris_

The Doctor stares blankly at the empty space where Rose had occupied only moments before, awaiting his answer. _And I failed her yet again. The brilliant Doctor who always saves everyone… yet the one person worth more than anyone else in the universe just had to be the one I couldn't save._ He fights the urge to scream and closes his eyes. In that tiny little moment, he feels himself coming undone, all the parts flying off in different directions. Everything she brought into his battered, cursed life is fading into the shadows, retreating so fast. The coldness comes again and his hearts feel like ice. Something inside him dies and there's an empty void where there used to be her. His soul is ripped, torn into pieces, frozen on ice, so much pain. His mind is filled with her and his hearts are empty again. She's fading away and he can't hold on. He wishes he were dead, but knows he has three more lifetimes to go… without her by his side. The curls of icy-hotness prickle and stab through his body and he wants to sleep and never wake up. Sleep and dream of her, standing right there beside him.

He feels hot wetness on his cheeks and realizes that they are tears. For the first time in his ten lives, the Doctor is crying over a companion because he lost his chance to tell her how much he needs, wants, and loves her… not to mention the fact that it will be impossible to ever get her back, unless he risks destroying two universes. He fleetingly considers it before wiping away his damned tears. Rose would never forgive him if he killed so many innocent, stupid apes just for her. No, he can only try to accept the fact that he is once again on his own and try to somehow move on… alone.

xoxox

_It hurts to breathe because every breath I take proves that I can live without you. -Anonymous_

Rose Tyler stands in the crushing embrace of her mother and cries out all of the blood and tears of her throbbing heart, wondering how she can still feel. _Why didn't you just kill me? _she screams at the universe. _Why? _

She wants to sleep and never wake up… dream of her Doctor and never face reality. Die this moment rather than live on without him… because he is still alive. And so is she. And it's killing her inside. Her soul is bleeding, pulsing… loving and hating. She's suffocating and every breath she takes is painful, so painful, sharp stabs that inflict more hurt than the dark, clawing feeling inside her. _DOCTOR! _

She grabs onto Jackie, burying her face in her mother's neck… but it's no consolation. _He's gone. I told him forever… forever. Just us. _And she wants to laugh… laugh until there's no breath left. Laugh until she forgets, laugh until the world breaks, laugh until the universe collapses because he is alone and she is alone. And she has broken her promise to never leave him. That grand, higher power has finally separated them and she does laugh at that thought. _Never ever. _She laughs hysterically. The wind picks up and pulls at her gently. And she's never felt so scattered and broken in all her life.

Jackie is looking at her in concern with tears in her soft green eyes and Rose knows that she's worried. _But what does it matter? _Rose turns and looks at the horizon. Bad Wolf Bay. _Kill me, _she screams silently, her mind hurting because of the strain. She realizes she's holding her breath as she tries to get whatever it is that separated them to hear her. She sinks down in the moist, soft sand, clutching her head, yanking out golden blond strands and not caring, not feeling. Only the sobs wracking her body. _Kill me…_

xoxox

_All healing is first a healing of the heart. -Carl Townsend_

She sits there for days, drifting in the Time Vortex, humming softly, mourning the human child called Rose as he shuts himself away in her room. He hasn't talked to her and there is only silence. She worries about him and she tries calling out to him, but he remains silent… alone. So alone. Her dear Time Lord.

He cried his hearts out the first few hours, burying his head in her pillow, breathing in her scent, wishing that he was with her, wishing that he was dead. And then came the blissful sleep, brought on by exhaustion and a little piece of serenity the Tardis managed to slip into his mind. He slept for hours and when he woke up, he stood and looked at her things. He dug out the red hoodie she wore when she was the Bad Wolf and he hugged it close.

Now, the Tardis sings softly to herself, wondering what will happen, wondering how they will get through this. And she's surprised when he emerges from her room, looking rumpled and frayed around the edges, like he's just fought his way through hell. His eyes are red-rimmed and his usually messy hair is sticking up every which way. He comes toward the consoles and strokes her gently, silently telling her that he will be alright. Whether it takes years or centuries, he will heal. He will move on because that's all he has in this world. Constant motion.

He runs his hand over a lever and pulls it down. She knows he wants to run headfirst into trouble and throw himself in harm's way to forget if only for a while, but she has other plans. She knows her Doctor and she knows his soul. Just as she knows Rose Tyler, her Bad Wolf. And the Tardis knows as she has known all this time, there is a way and there is fate. And the direction they are all headed in will not and cannot stop. And she takes him to a place where he can truly begin to heal.


	2. Lost Memories and Childish Behavior

Chapter 1: Lost Memories and Childish Behavior

_It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept. –Bill Watterson_

The Doctor steps out of the Tardis, expecting to see gruesome natives pointing bloody spears in his face and threatening to stab his eyes out, but instead, he finds himself in a pretty meadow full of wildflowers and tall, lush grass beneath a sky so blue with not a cloud to hid the ruby sun. He turns back toward the Tardis with every intention of going back in and setting the coordinates for the Galactic War of 6949, but the Tardis shuts her door quickly and he finds himself trapped… outside. He sighs in resignation and leans his forehead against his old girl before turning toward the field. He had landed on a hill and the meadow not far below him stretched for about a hundred yards before colliding with a dark tree-line. A calm, serene place with no danger. His feet carry him forward and he barely looks at his surroundings because he came here to forget and all he can do is remember.

He closes his eyes for a moment and keeps walking. A gentle breeze picks up and he stops long enough to enjoy it, combing through his tangled hair. He chokes a little as he remembers another sunny day on a windy hill, the wind blowing all around him as he stood with _her._ He tries to suppress the memory because it hurts so much… the sharp sting overwhelms him and he fights the urge to clutch his chest. He doesn't know how long he's been walking nor does he know just how he's managed to stay upright. He opens his eyes with a deep breath and nearly falls over as he realizes that he is not alone.

A girl. A dark hair girl just lying there, naked. He blinks and pinches his arm. "Ow," he yelps, sucking in a breath. He stands frozen, scared to move forward, shocked, and confused. He doesn't know what to do. And suddenly, she saves him the trouble from deciding as her eyes gently open to reveal the deepest sapphire eyes he has ever seen in his whole life… all nine hundred plus years of them…. And that _is_ saying something.

He unashamedly stares at her as she sits up looking dazed. He feels a little embarrassed, but it's not as if he's staring at anywhere but her face.

"Where am I?" she murmurs softly, taking in her surroundings before her gaze settled on him. "Who are you?"

That snaps him out of his bewildered trance. "I'm the Doctor," he says and takes off his long jacket, offering it to her.

She looks at him for a moment and then at the jacket before glancing back up at him. He stares into her eyes for a second before flushing a little and turning pointedly away. She looks down at herself. "Oh." In less than a second, his jacket is snatched from his fingers.

There is a flurry of rustling noises as she puts on his jacket. "Do you know where we are? And what year we're in?" she asks in a soft voice.

And it hits him hard. "You don't know?" He whips around to face her before realizing that it may not be the best idea, but thankfully, she is covered.

"If I did, would I be asking you?" she replies cheekily with a grin.

"Do you remember anything?" the Doctor asks incredulously, staring at the beautiful girl before him who is wearing nothing but the long jacket he lent her only moments before.

She smiles nonchalantly and shrugs. "Nope. Nothing." But she does and she doesn't voice her thoughts aloud. Because she remembers pain and love and loss, something too deep and too close and too far all at the same time. And she can't understand it.

"What about your name? Do you remember that?" he asks.

She opens her mouth to reply, but doesn't get a chance.

"Victoria!"

They both turn to stare at a man running toward them at breakneck speed, waving like a maniac.

She turns toward the Doctor with a smile, a little tilt in the way she's holding her head. "Victoria. My name is Victoria." She frowns inwardly, though. Because that name doesn't suit her. She doesn't like it. It tastes strange in the cool confines of her mouth and it echoes weirdly in her mind. _Maybe I should make up a better name for myself…_

The Doctor gapes and feels a cold hand squeeze his heart at the way she's smiling at him. _Rose,_ his mind whispers and in that instant he sees _his _Rose, Rose Tyler. Her last shattered glance at him as she whispered in a broken voice those three little words. _"I love you." _

He has to remind himself soundly that this girl before him now is nothing like his Rose. Apart from the fact that this _Victoria_ has no clue who she is, she has dark hair that shines with a tint of red in the dimming evening light and deep blue eyes. "You don't know that."

"Yes I do. Admittedly, I only remembered when that man called out to me," she says cheerfully, gesturing to the man running toward them.

"Right. Like you don't remember why you were lying in an open field, _naked_," the Doctor sneers. He's being rude and he tells himself that he has every right to be. _She stole Rose's smile. Yes, that's it. That's exactly it._ A little voice tells him he's being ridiculous, but he refuses to acknowledge it. He doesn't care. No one can smile like that. Only his Rose.

She tilts her head. "I understand that it might be in your incredibly arrogant nature, but must you be so rude? Especially to someone who has no idea who she is?" she asks mildly.

He might have been impressed by her calm tone and her obvious intelligence, but he's still reeling from the shock of remembering Rose and his distaste for this girl with the same smile. He remains silent.

"Victoria! Where have you been?" the man huffs, panting for breath, finally reaching them. "We were all worried sick… Why are you wearing a man's jacket?" he asks.

"Because I woke up with nothing else on," she replies cheerfully. _For someone who has no memories, she's really quite calm._

The man's hazel eyes fill with horror. He glances at the Doctor scathingly and back at Victoria. He gazes at her in tenderness and concern. "Has you honor been compromised?" he asks forcefully. "Because if this rogue did anything to you…" he growls. He has a navy blue coat on with many medals of war. _Late eighteenth century._ The Doctor decides to refer to him as Medal Coat and represses a laugh at his ridiculous manner.

Victoria cuts him off. "Don't worry. I'm fine."

"Yeah, right," the Doctor snorts. "She has no memories. Go on, ask her if she knows your name."

Medal Coat glowers at the Doctor and looks at Victoria in confusion. "I don't know what exactly is going on here, but you had better watch how you treat the duke's daughter."

For the first time since he met her, the Doctor feels slightly embarrassed. "Who's daughter?"

"The Duke of Kent," Medal Coat replies smugly. He gazes at Victoria proudly, but she isn't paying attention. Her concentration is on the horizon, on a strange blue box. She doesn't point it out to either of the men, but keeps her eyes trained on it.

"Victoria!" Medal Coat says.

"What?" she says. "Oh, sorry. I'm afraid I wasn't paying much attention. What were you saying?" She looks at Medal Coat with apt attention, but only a mild interest. Medal Coat stares back at her with a creasing frown.

"Do you know who I am, Victoria?" he asks softly.

Victoria tilts her head again. The Doctor fleetingly notes that it was a habit of hers that was actually quite endearing before firmly reminding himself that she was the enemy… of what he isn't sure, but he is determined to dislike her. He shakes himself out of his trance, wondering at his own strange behavior toward the girl. Medal Coat is staring at Victoria in growing unease and the Doctor feels guilty. "I'm afraid not," Victoria says finally, but without much apology. The Doctor winces. He knows he should have said something before she admitted that.

Medal Coat gapes in shock and part fury. "You don't… remember me?" he asks. The Doctor frowns at this man's tendency to gape.

"Sorry," she replies, sounding only slightly that and the Doctor can tell she's barely holding back a roll of the eyes coupled with a shrug. _Barely_.

Medal Coat laughs dryly. "I'm the Viscount of Kent, your _fiancé._"

Victoria gazes at him dispassionately, but with more interest. "Really?" she asks, eyeing him skeptically. The Doctor can imagine her thinking, _Wow, how'd you end up with someone like _me? _Did I really have such bad taste? _And he knows that he's not the only one to have noticed this Viscount's strange propensity to look shocked and slightly dumb.

Medal Coat mutters an oath and turns on the Doctor. "What have you done to her?" he shouts, drawing his pistol.

The Doctor automatically put his hands in the air. "I didn't do a thing."

"You lie!"

"Actually, he really didn't do anything," Victoria quips helpfully, still looking quite cheerful.

"How would you know? You don't remember anything!" Medal Coat says in exasperation.

"Because he is the one who found me and this is his coat. He helped me and I trust him… despite the fact that he is a rude, arrogant sort," she replies. Although her words are directed at Medal Coat, she keeps her gaze firmly on the Doctor. She grins at him blithely. "Now then… you say you're my fiancé. Would I be right in saying that your name is Thomas?" she asks tentatively.

"You remember?" he asks.

"Well sort of," Victoria replies. "We were going to be wed tomorrow, weren't we?"

"What do you mean 'we _were_ going to be wed'?" Thomas asks cautiously, unconsciously lowering his pistol.

"Well, we can't very well wed now, can we? I may remember your name and our wedding date, but by no means does that entail that I remember you or anything about _me_," Victoria explains patiently. "You can't very well expect me to marry a man I barely know." She smiles as if saying that it was beyond stupidity for him to have overlooked it. _No way in hell am I marrying this stupid prat. Why did I like him? He's not even all that handsome. And he keeps looking so bewildered! _

Thomas stares at her in obvious distress. "Of course. I understand," he says, even though it is quite apparent to both Victoria and the Doctor that he is far from grasping the concept.

"Do I have any siblings?" Victoria asks suddenly.

"No," Thomas answers, shifting uncomfortably. "You were… well, adopted… because the Duke and Duchess could not conceive any heirs. When they met you, they loved you at first sight."

"Oh. So that means I am the future duchess?" she asks.

"Yes, of course!" Thomas says in shock. "How can you possibly not remember that?"

"I didn't even remember my own name until you called out to me," Victoria replies. "Now, I think it best if we return. Like you said, they must be worried sick about me."

"Of course." Thomas looks taken aback that she can change subjects so quickly.

"And I should very like this Doctor to come with us. He did save us all from a lot of embarrassment and explanation," Victoria says sensibly.

Thomas starts and recovers quickly. "Of course. I do apologize for my rash behavior, Doctor," he says stonily, not looking very sorry at all. Indeed he looks as if he would like nothing better than to shoot the Doctor.

"And I think we should find something for me to wear. I'd hate to shock my family dressed in nothing but this jacket," she says quaintly. "Will you take care of all this?"

Thomas nods.

She stares at him for a few seconds. "Did you walk here?" she asks, looking slightly perturbed.

"No, but while I was looking for tracks around the outer edges of the woods, Princeton ran off. Luckily, I spotted you just moments after," he explains.

"Oh," she says. _What a stupid thing to do. Why didn't he just tie his horse up or at least _hold on_ to him?_

"I'd better go. I'll be back with a coach and some clothes for you." With that, he hurries off toward the town to arrange for all the necessary arrangements, leaving Victoria and the Doctor with a warning glance.

Victoria sinks to her knees in the soft rolling grass. "It'll take him forever to get back…" she sighs.

"Do you remember anything else?" the Doctor asks.

"No, nothing, except that I don't belong here," Victoria replies with a grin.

"I should think not," the Doctor says, fighting back a smile.

"You misunderstand me, Doctor," Victoria says. "I didn't mean that I don't belong in this charming field…" she pauses and looks around. "I meant that I'm not from this time period. In fact, I was born about two centuries into the future. My current life should be in the year two thousand and six, with my single mother inside a nice little suburban house in London. And trust me, she is by no means a duchess."

The Doctor gapes at her.

"I know you, Doctor."

He glances at her, alarmed.

"Only from legends of course… but I know what you are and what you can do," she says with apprehension. "You are a Time Lord. You can travel through time… which means…. You can take me home," she says softly.

"Absolutely not," the Doctor replies vehemently before he even thinks about her request.

"Why not?" she asks with a slight pout. He is suddenly reminded of Rose.

"Because."

"Because what?" she presses.

"Just because." He turns away, annoyed and unsettled.

She rises quickly and blocks his way. "Why not?"

"How do I know you are who you say you are?" he asks edgily.

"I didn't say I was anyone. I have no idea who I am," she responds jovially. "Remember?" she says teasingly and laughs a little.

"How can you be so… _happy_ about all of this?" the Doctor asks in bewilderment.

"It's better than the alternative," Victoria replies with a slight shrug and he realizes that this _is _bothering her… more than she lets on.

"Well you can't come," he says and realizes that he sounds more than a little childish, but he can't help it and he doesn't care. Sounding like a kid adamant on not sharing his new toy wasn't all that bad.

"_Why_?"

"Because…" he pauses, struggling for an answer. "What if you're really an alien who wants to get inside my Tardis and use her _and_ me to take over the world?" He looks at her triumphantly as if he's just won a particularly hard to win game of tug-o-war.

"I'm _not_ an alien," she replies with a look of mild disbelief mingled with amusement.

"That's exactly what an alien would say," he replies stubbornly.

Victoria rolls her eyes. "Well then take me aboard the Tardis and scan me or whatever," she says in part exasperation, as if stating the obvious.

"There is no way on this _earth_ I'm taking you aboard my ship!" he says and spins around a little.

She glares at him and he tries not to squirm and struggles to ignore her scathing look. "Well I _want _to go home."

"I'm not taking you," he replies defiantly. "So you're just going to have to find yourself another ride."

Victoria feels a little like murder and she can't decide if she wants to strangle him, punch him, or just tackle him. Instead she ops for a more… _domestic_ approach. She's always been good at acting… she _thinks._

The Doctor stares in alarm as her lower lip trembles subtly. He might have written it off if not for the tears gathering in her unearthly blue gaze. He panics slightly. _Oh, no_.

And of course, right at that moment, he heard the unmistakable sound of a horse drawn carriage approaching. _Damn! Thomas! For the love of Rassilon! _He groans inwardly. _Stupid apes. Why'd I have to land in _this _time period when they all carry pistols? Great. There goes another life. _

"Look, just stop crying, okay? Can we talk about this later?" he says quietly, urgently. He's practically hissing the words, but he's too busy looking over his shoulder at the not so distant coach.

She stares at him a little and he realizes that she's been toying with him. He can see the slight curve of her mouth and the smug look in her eyes. She has him at her complete mercy. But to his surprise, she backs away from her prize. She wipes away her pretend tears and smiles. "Okay."

And he knows he's going to have to pay up soon. And the sudden wave of childishness crashes over him again as he thinks, quite defiantly too, with all the vigor of a child on the losing end, _You can't make me!_


	3. Answering Echo

Answering Echo

_Music fills the infinite between two souls. -Rabindranath Tagore_

"We can't thank you enough, Doctor," Lady Elizabeth says with a genuine smile, clutching the hand of her husband, the Duke of Kent.

"If there is anything we can do to repay this debt…" Lord Nicolas offers, his misty gray eyes twinkling.

"There's no need," the Doctor replies. He likes the couple standing before him. They're kind and educated and they obviously love Victoria very much… but she claimed that she didn't belong here. What was it that Thomas had said? _"You were… well, adopted… because the Duke and Duchess could not conceive any heirs. When they met you, they loved you at first sight."_

His thoughts are interrupted by the sudden flurry of activity and they all look toward the grand staircase inside the old, beautiful manor.

"Victoria!" Lady Elizabeth calls. "We were just heading over to the piano room. Why don't you join us and give us a little performance?"

Victoria looks at them for a moment before she smiles. "Of course. Let's see just how much I remember, shall we?" And she leads the way, down an elaborate corridor full of paintings of generations of Lord Nicolas's family. The Doctor admires the masterful paintings, noting that despite their stern expressions, more than one of them have a slightly amused and sometimes mischievous twinkle in their eyes.

Victoria's adopted parents ushers him over to one of the expensive and comfortable settees in the room. His bones practically melt into the soft cushions. Lord Nicolas gives him a brief history of the family as Victoria takes her time, walking over to the creamy white pianoforte which depicted Mount Olympus on the underside of its lid all the way on the other side of the enormous room.

Victoria sinks down on the ornate bench slowly, almost reluctantly, and from the way she is half-glaring at him, the Doctor knows she wants an answer. But he's not sure he wants to give her one. He has already made up his mind and the answer is no. He doesn't want to take her home. He's adamant. There is ―as he told her before― no way on earth she is setting foot aboard his beloved Tardis. He doesn't think she's an alien, but the way she reminds him of Rose…. _Best not, old chap._ He shakes himself mentally as the first resounding ping of the pianoforte fills and echoes throughout the room, bouncing off the very air. And everyone ―including him― is lost in the haunting melody that spoke of loss and grief and life. He can feel her anger and confusion and suddenly, he feels horrible for his actions… but not enough to want to take her aboard the old girl.

The Doctor stands up and walks over to the pianoforte. He waits until the last note fades into soft applause from the small audience and sits down beside Victoria on the bench. She looks at him inquiringly and he fights the urge to apologize.

"I can't take you aboard the Tardis." He speaks softly and looks at anything but her.

"But…" she says brokenly. "You're my only hope of ever reaching home!" She sounds lost now and he feels more than a twinge of guilt. He looks at her and he can tell that this time, she's not acting.

"I'm sorry," he whispers, not quite sure what he's sorry for anymore because what would be so wrong about helping her? But he can't let another human inside his last tie to Gallifrey. Not this soon after Rose.

Victoria glares at him, but she bites back what she wants to say and turns sharply toward the pianoforte. And now, the song isn't so soft. He can feel yearning and sadness… emptiness and loneliness and suddenly, losing Rose is too much to bear. He hangs his head and closes his eyes. There is a small whisper echoing strongly in the atmosphere. So soft… yet so powerful. _I'm lost… so lost._ And he knows it's her. She's calling out with her soul and for some reason, he can hear it. And so can the Tardis, he realizes as suddenly, he hears his ship returning her call. The familiar presence of the Tardis fills his mind. He can feel her slight push and her power flooding the room as she calls out to the girl sitting beside him. The Tardis key inside his pocket is growing warmer and he knows what they're both asking of him. _Take her home, Doctor. Take her back to the place where she belongs. _

He wants to say no, but he can't seem to move. He opens his mouth to speak, but Victoria is still playing. Then suddenly, she stops and too late, he realizes he's given her the answer she wanted all along.

"I'll take you home."

She stares at him, sure that she heard him wrong. "What?" And even she can hear the slight tremor to her voice.

"I'll take you home," he repeats, looking slightly baffled and a little embarrassed.

Victoria feels her face split into a grin and she throws her arms around his neck on impulse. "Thank you!" she cries, overcome with a strange urge to cry. "Thank you." He stiffens a little and she pulls away quickly. "Sorry."

He shrugs. "What are you going to tell them?" he asks, nodding toward the Duke and Duchess.

"The truth," she replies.

He looks at her in alarm.

"Not that truth," she says, rolling her eyes. "Just that I've finally remembered where I need to go… and that I finally have a way of getting there."

The Doctor frowns, his brown eyes filling with confusion. "What're you talking about?"

Victoria sighs. "When I first came here, I told them that I had amnesia… didn't remember a thing. Who my family were, where I came from… they wouldn't have been so taken with me if I told them I was from the future."

"Ah," he says. And neither of them bring up the irony that now, she really does have amnesia.

Victoria stands up swiftly and hesitates a little. "What am I going to _say_?" she mutters to herself.

"Exactly what you told me," the Doctor replies. "That you finally remember."

"Yeah, but what do I say about the heiress thing?" she asks. "They don't have children. The doc… physician said that they would never be able to have children of their own."

"But you don't belong in this time period," the Doctor says softly, more to himself than to her. "Which reminds me… how did you get here?"

She looks away quickly and he realizes that she's hiding something from him. She does remember some things after all. "It doesn't matter." But it does. He can tell from the way she suddenly looks guarded and sad… _The way I used to looked before I met Rose. Damn it, I need to stop dwelling on her like this._ And he knows it's hopeless because he'll remember her until the end of time.

"What made you change your mind?" she questions suddenly.

"Huh?" he glances at her. "Oh, that. Well…" he pauses, wondering if he should lie. _Yes, but what lie would suffice?_ When he can come up with nothing but a throbbing headache, he answers, "It doesn't matter." He sneaks a glance at her, expecting a scowl, but instead finds her wearing a bemused smile.

"Fair enough," she says. And he realizes that in a way, they are alike. _Show no emotion, that's our motto. Hakuna matata. _He chuckles to himself, ignoring her look of bewilderment. _Not enough people think I'm insane anyways. _


	4. Song of the Tardis

Chapter 3: Song of the Tardis

_There's music in a well-lived life, and melodies remain each time a loving memory repeats the sweet refrain. The song that lingers in our hearts becomes our legacy its beauty gently echoing through all eternity.-Hallmark Cards _;)

Victoria blinks away her tears. "I have to go home…" she whispers softly.

Lady Elizabeth and Lord Nicolas both gaze at her with a mixture of love and understanding. "We always knew that somehow, this day would come…" Lady Elizabeth said through her tears.

"I… my mother… I'm all she has," Victoria says brokenly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, child," Lord Nicolas replies. "You belong with your family. And we will always love you as if you were our own." He smiles slightly and hugs her in that fatherly way that breaks her heart.

"Don't forget us, Victoria," Lady Elizabeth says softly, kissing her on the cheek.

"I won't," Victoria promises. She hugs the stately woman who loves her like a daughter and whispers softly in her ear, "You _will_ have a son. Name him Alexander. He'll do great things." She pulls back and smiles at the Duchess's surprised expression and she's not sure how she knows it, but she knows it's true. "I will not be able to keep in touch…" she says softly and her heart aches.

"But why not?" Lady Elizabeth asks.

"I will be far too far away. Please do not try to find me. I _am_ going home and I shan't ever forget your kindness," Victoria says. "Goodbye." She looks at them both one last time and runs from the manor toward the carriage that awaits her.

She avoids the Doctor's gaze and quickly brushes away her tears. With a jolt, the carriage leaves the manor and heads for the woods. The ride is silent and Victoria gazes out at the quiet trees and the swishing grass. She can feel the power of the Time Lord's gaze penetrating her, and she knows without a doubt that he is trying to assess who she really is. But even she does not know the answer to that question, so she remains silent. Her mind wanders to the curious blue box she saw earlier in the day and realizes that it must be the legendary Tardis. She doesn't know how she knows its ―_her_― name. And it surprises her that she knows the Tardis is a she. She laughs a little to herself and ignores the questioning look on the Doctor's face. _He's crazier than I am anyway._

They stop on the edge of the forest and the Doctor obligingly carries her bag. He sends the footmen on their way back to the manor and waits until they're far in the heart of the woods before leading the way toward the Tardis. Victoria trails after in silence, wondering what her life was like in the future. She vaguely remembers some details, but mostly, her mind is a blank.

When they reach the blue box, Victoria can feel a strange aura in the air. The Doctor pulls out a key and opens the Tardis with a flourish. "Welcome to the Tardis."

She steps in with wonder and excitement. There is a low humming and she knows with a strange certainty that the Tardis is alive. "Wow…" There is a soft glow coming from the consoles and she approaches it slowly, afraid the Doctor might chastise her, but he does not.

"Beautiful, isn't she?" he says softly.

"Yes, she is…" Victoria replies unconsciously, caught up in studying the bizarre array of buttons and levers on the consoles. She glances up at the Doctor to find him grinning manically and she can't help but smile back.

"Right then… the year 2006. Around what time do you want to be back?" he asks, already moving toward the consoles, a slight bounce in his step.

"Um… any time after mid-July," she replies, amazed at his hyperactive energy. The Doctor's gaze darkens a little at her words, but he says nothing.

"How does August the first sound?" he asks, looking happy and excited all over again.

"Great," Victoria answers, wondering why he looked so sad only moments before.

The Tardis jerks suddenly and Victoria grabs onto the console for support. The moment she touches her, the Tardis begins to hum in a different tune. "I think she likes you," the Doctor notes softly in surprise. Victoria ignores him… her mind is trained on the Tardis. _Do you know me? Have we met before?_ The Tardis doesn't answer her, but the humming continues. Victoria knows deep down that the answer is yes because the humming feels so familiar that it touches an unseen corner of her heart that recognizes and dances to the song of the Tardis… and for a moment, a rush of memories flood her mind. But just as she reaches out to grasp them, they slip through her fingers like wind.


	5. The Black Rose

Chapter 4: The Black Rose

Sometimes the only thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see. -Vanessa Williams

They've landed somewhere in London in the year two-thousand-and-six. The Doctor strokes the consoles absentmindedly, thinking back to the strange look on Victoria's face when she fell and gripped the Tardis. He mentally probes the Tardis, asking her to collaborate, but she refuses to cooperate. _Oh, come on, old girl! Tell me… what was she thinking? _He feels only a small amount of guilt at trying to figure this strange girl out, but he defends himself with the argument that he can't risk anything harming his Tardis. _Please? _

Nothing. The Tardis deliberately ignores him, going about her usual enigmatic humming. Frustrated, the Doctor gives the console a good kick, gaining nothing more than a stubbed toe. The Tardis hums in amusement and he can hear her lilting laughter in his mind. He refuses to give her the satisfaction of witnessing him in self-induced stupidity and says, _It doesn't hurt! Not one bit. _She just keeps singing. _Ow…_

Looking up, he sees Victoria coming out from the interior of the Tardis, dressed in a black t-shirt bearing some modern band name and jeans. And he finally, grudgingly accepts that she _is_ from this time period after all. She has her bag in hand. "Ready?" he asks. She nods nervously.

"I was in… um… a wardrobe room," Victoria says uncertainly. "I donated my eighteenth century clothes. Hope you don't mind."

"Not at all," the Doctor replies. "Thank you." He shrugs on his coat, missing Rose, who was always there to help him get his arms in the bloody, twisty thing. He leads the way toward the doors.

"I still can't quite remember which part of London I live in," Victoria states apologetically.

"It's alright. I'm sure we'll find it soon enough." He stands still for a moment outside the Tardis, breathing in the familiar air, full of earthy odors and full of life. "Always liked this place anyway."

Victoria laughs a little. "It's a big city."

"That it is," he replies with a small grin. "Come on, then! No use standing around." He notes with surprise that the Tardis has landed them in the Powell Estates and fights back another pang of grief. _Stop it!_

"What's happened?" Victoria asks in a small voice.

The Doctor surveys the area. Not much has changed, but then, nothing is the same. "A war."

Victoria glances at him sharply. "A what?"

"A war… between the Cybermen and the Daleks with you helpless humans caught in the middle," the Doctor replies quickly. "Come on."

"Cybermen and Daleks," Victoria repeats slowly. "I thought the Daleks were dead." He can hear the slight question in her voice… and the tremor of hate.

He spins around to face her. "You know about the Daleks?" He stares at her intensely. "How?"

She looks alarmed and confused. "I… I don't know." He can tell that she is telling the truth and decides to let it go… for now.

"Come on," he says again. His head is full of racing questions and the usual jumble of everything. "If the Tardis landed us here, she must know something we don't. Maybe your home is close by…. Do you remember your last name?"

"Uh… no," Victoria breathes. "I barely remembered my first name," she mutters in an undertone.

"Well…" he says, rocking on his heels, letting the l's roll off his tongue. "Maybe we should just walk around a bit. See if anything triggers your memory."

"Okay."

They pass shops and various offices, but she doesn't recognize anything. "You'd think someone would recognize you," the Doctor murmurs after a while, running his hand through his hair for the umpteenth time. The streets are crowded with people. They've already moved on, learning to live again after the horrors of the month before when their world had been invaded and nearly destroyed. _Humans…_ The Doctor gives his head a little shake, a feeling terrifyingly like affection rising within him. _Stupid apes. _

They keep walking until they are in a part of town that is too familiar to the Doctor for his sanity. Victoria suddenly stops walking in front of a cemetery and gazes at what looks to be a small funeral procession with haunted eyes. Her stride carries purpose and pain and fear, but she walks quickly toward the small gathering. The Doctor follows with a growing sense of anticipation. _This cannot be good…_

The funeral is over before they get within fifty feet of the morose gathering. By the time they reach the gleaming black coffin, there is not a single person in sight. "Victoria!" the Doctor calls out tiredly, to no avail. _Stubborn human. _

Victoria stops before the headstone that lies in the grass beside the coffin. She gasps and stumbles backward, a small whimper escaping from between her lips. "No…"

The Doctor catches her before she falls and looks down at the headstone. _Amanda Lucia Amaranta, Beloved Daughter, Friend, and Mother. To my beloved daughter, Victoria… love will never die. Wherever you are, live on in happiness and know that you were my greatest blessing, my sweet Bright Wonder. _

Victoria breathes heavily, shaking her head, staring at the words as if they are a curse.

"I'm sorry," the Doctor whispers, because he doesn't know how to alleviate the pain. _So fragile, humans. Lives so short, so fleeting._ "I'm so sorry."

Victoria turns toward the coffin which is adorn in flowers. Roses… everywhere. Red and white, luscious roses… the symbol of undying love. Victoria reaches out slowly and touches the one rose that stands out… the black one. The moment she touches it, her body tenses. She draws in a sharp breath and seems to freeze in place.

"Victoria?" the Doctor rushes to her side.

Her blue eyes snap open in surprise. She glances up at him with a dazed expression so full of wonder. "She's not my mother…" Victoria cautiously touches the black rose again, picking it up slowly. "My mum's still alive… somewhere. So far away."

The Doctor feels a bit frightened now. Humans aren't supposed to be this way. They aren't supposed to just know things like this. _Maybe she really is crazy._ But he knows that can't be true. She's too intelligent and too… _right._

"Victoria?"

She looks up at him for moment and smiles helplessly. "I had a life here once, but that life is gone…"

He stares at her intensely, urging for her to go on.

"Doctor, I know I've already asked a lot of you, but will you help me with something?" she asks softly, clutching the black rose tightly as though it is her only possession.

He looks fixedly at the rose, wondering how wise it would be to say yes. But he's the Doctor. He lives to make things better for others. He grins a little. "Depends on what you need help with. Find your home? Buy you a car? Help you shop for some curtains? Blow something up?"

Victoria laughs. "I'll bet you'd say yes to all of them except the curtains."

He looks at her in surprise. "How'd you know?"

"Domesticity doesn't suit you, Doctor." She wrinkles her nose slightly and laughs. He joys in immediately.

"Glad you understand. Now then, what do you need help with?"

Victoria bits her lip. "I remember… something. But I don't know if it's just a dream or if it's real."

The Doctor nods in understanding. "You need me to do my mind-feely thing."

She looks at him in uncertainty. "Yes." Victoria squints at the sun and studies a nearby willow swaying in the wind. "Will you do it?"

_It's an intimate process… if you're not careful and she turns out to be some crazy alien or worse, a Time Agent, you could end up paying with another regeneration._ "It's a delicate process… merging our minds. You understand that, don't you?" he asks. Victoria nods grimly. "It leaves us both vulnerable."

"I know. That's why I won't hold it against you if you refuse," Victoria quips, staring at him with a slightly wide-eyed, innocent look.

He laughs, shaking his head. "I'm nine hundred years old, Victoria. That look isn't going to get you anywhere."

She shrugs. "It was worth a try."

"We should head back to the Tardis. The cemetery isn't exactly the right place to be hanging around discussing this sort of thing." They are silent the whole way back.

Victoria stands apprehensively near him in the console room. He smiles a little.

"Well, come here." He gestures toward a spot directly in front of him. "Okay… this won't hurt at all."

"I know."

"I don't know exactly what I'm looking for," he says uncertainly.

"Well, I don't either so just look for… a light." She nods a little to herself after pondering her own words.

"A light?"

"A strange light. I saw it when I touched the rose." She holds up the ebony rose she's still clutching. "And I can see it behind my eyes."

The Doctor studies her in troubled silence. "Behind your eyes?"

"Well… I don't know. Just when I close my eyes, it's there. I can't explain it."

He sighs in contemplation and raises his hands to either side of her temples. "Ready?" She nods and closes her eyes. He takes a deep breath before stepping into the wondrous realm of the human mind, each one so unique, so distinctly different, and full of such strange things. Each singing a different song. He expects to see her past or something… anything but what is swirling right in front of his face. He's so shocked, he pulls his hands away.

They both come back to reality with a soft gasp. She looks confused and dizzy. "Don't worry, it'll wear off," he informs her absentmindedly, his thoughts in a whirlwind. _How is that possible?_

"The Time Vortex," she whispers as if trying to taste the word. "That was the Time Vortex."

"How do you know?"

"I think… I…" she laughs a little. "I think I was a time traveler. And I can't be certain, but there's someone there…" She suddenly gets a far away look on her face and he realizes that she's reminiscing.

"Who?" he prompts, hoping that it'll come to her.

"My companion… someone who changed my life… someone I… loved. And lost." She looks stunned by her own words. "I lost him… so quickly. Too soon."

The Doctor watches her closely, unsure of what to say and unsettled. "Are you… sure?" What he had wanted to ask was, _Are you sane_, but he suspects that it would be beyond the level of rudeness he usually emits.

"I need to find him," she murmurs, lost in her own thoughts.

"Were you a Time Agent?"

"A what?" she asks distractedly. "Oh. Time Agent? No… not me. Maybe he was. I don't know. It's all fuzzy now. I can see shapes and shadows of people and places, but I can't remember. If I concentrate too hard, everything kind of just disappears." She shakes her head in frustration.

"I don't think I can help you much," he says apologetically. "When I was there, in your mind, I felt a block."

"But I didn't―"

"It wasn't you. At least not consciously," he assures her. "It's like some part of you is protecting your memories and you didn't know about it."

"Is it a strong block? Can I get rid of it?" she asks hopefully.

He chuckles. "I'm afraid not. It's a strong barrier."

"What if you just… I dunno… force it down?" She shrugs.

"It could lead to permanent brain damage. Invading someone's mind takes a lot of will and power. From what I've seen and felt of your blockade, it'd be a right miracle if I could even crack it… but even if I did that, we would be risking a mental injury that might be beyond repair," he responds grimly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she says with a small, nervous laugh. "You didn't hurt me."

The Doctor smiles sadly. "I wish I could help you."

She glances up into his eyes suddenly, and he's struck with that strange feeling again…. Her deep blue eyes remind him of something, but he can't quite grasp what. But he thinks that they look too blue to be entirely human.

"Is there any way to trace my past?"

He runs his hand through his messy hair and winces. "It's not as simple as that, I'm afraid."

She sighs heavily. "Is there any way to help me remember?"

_Yes, there is. Take you to every conceivable place where disaster might strike… that's the point of traveling the past. That's the only way to trigger a memory… visit something else, experience something else that relates to your past. _But he doesn't say that because then, he'd be in this bizarre situation for the long haul. And he doesn't want that. He wants her to leave.

A little part of him cries out against the thought of being on his own again. Rose had taught him to live and now, he is afraid to be alone again… haunted by that devouring darkness. He doesn't think he can possibly survive the prospect of an empty Tardis… not again. On the brink of telling Victoria that he can't help her, he suddenly feels a familiar presence inside his head. _What is it, old girl?_ The Tardis hums serenely and he understands in slight bewilderment that his Tardis wants this girl to stay. And instantly, there is no choice at all.


	6. The Deepest Hurt of All

The Deepest Hurt of All

_When tomorrow starts without me, don't think we are far apart, for every time you think of me I am right in your heart. -Anonymous_

"Rose Tyler, defender of the earth." She laughs a little, remembering his voice. She's sitting in her posh new office with its fantastic view of what she likes to call London version 1.1 because she knows now that there are hundreds of thousands of parallel worlds. Everyday, she takes some time away from the mounds of paperwork and reports and just looks at the blue sky, filled with zeppelins. And that's another thing that's different. Really nice, sunny weather all the time, almost all year round on this earth.

"It's been a year," she murmurs to herself. A whole year since she last saw him. And she knows without a doubt that he would be so proud of her because she has a life here. She misses him every single second of each and every single day, but she's living out a good life. Top security clearance at Torchwood. Newly-promoted director. There is no place higher and she is their top alien authority on earth. It's not a fantastic life because he's not here, but she enjoys being able to have this part of him. Protecting earth from alien invasions and sometimes even welcoming them in peace. It's not as fun as traveling with him was, but she loves it because this is the life he showed her.

She stretches her legs and stands up slowly, throwing down her fountain pen. Pressing a small button on the wall, the windows facing the rest of the office building self-tints so that no one can see in.

Rose makes her way past the plush armchairs over to the gleaming windows facing her new world. There is not a cloud in the sky. It's days like this that she misses him the most as she remembers the smell of apple grass and flying cars… the dancing wind and the singing cars five billion years away… standing beside the man she so loves, gazing at a city on an alien planet that would one day be New Earth.

On days like this, she does not try to deny the fact that a part of her is missing… so far away, still zipping along his exciting life, seeing the universe with him. She is not unhappy here, but she isn't happy either. Her heart is with him and she will never get it back.

She keeps her promise to him and lives her life the best she can because it is what he would want… but sometimes, she can't help but wonder if she'll be alone for the rest of her life. Because he dwells in her dreams and lives in her soul. She can still remember his arms around her and his hand in hers. She never mopes and she rarely cries. All she has are the memories and she has to try and convince herself that they will be enough without tearing herself apart.

There are people who look up to her, who admire her strength. They are in awe of her knowledge and her bravery which Mickey calls unnecessary recklessness. And she has a family who loves her. A new baby brother that she named Jack, a dad, her mother, and Mickey and Jake. But it's still not enough to fill the void inside of her.

She has too much love inside of her and no one else to give it to because he's not here. She can't comfort him or hold him or even laugh with him.

Sometimes she can't remember his face. And that's what hurts more than anything else. Forgetting is the deepest hurt of all. And it frightens her.

As she stands there, she realizes what she needs. She needs to have some sort of closure. She's not going to say goodbye… she just needs to remember. She needs to visit Bad Wolf Bay.


	7. The Art of Persuasion

Chapter 6: The Art of Persuasion

_Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul_  
_And sings the tune without words and never stops… at all._  
_-Emily Dickenson_

She stares at him. The Doctor fidgets under her unblinking gaze. "You don't want to stay?"

"No! It's not that. Of course I want to stay. Who wouldn't?" she asks, gesturing to the Tardis. "It's just… are you sure?"

It's his turn to stare. He chuckles. "I never say things I don't mean… or at least very rarely. Not about important things. Except for that one time, but that Eloen was about to attack. And I don't care what he said. That spear was―"

Victoria blinks. "Doctor."

"―definitely for killing supper. That hair-brained idiot. Thought he could―"

"Doctor!"

"Huh? Oh sorry…" He stops pacing, realizing that he had gone off on a rant… _again_. "Was I prattling on again?"

She nods with a dry smile.

"Sorry," he says again, still not looking too sorry about it. In fact, he's quite proud of his prattling skills. Can prattle himself out of every conceivable situation. Why anyone ever interrupted him was still a big mystery to him. Especially when his prattling was just getting to the good part, where it actually started having a point.

"So you really mean it? You'll help me?" She stares at him with lost, wide eyes.

"Of course!" He studies her and scratches his head. "What? You don't trust me?"

"Well… it's just that when we first met, you were dead set on being rude and you refused ―quite vehemently― to even bring me aboard the Tardis and now―"

"Well that's because I didn't know who ―or more importantly― _what_ you were!" he protests, mentally crossing his fingers.

She snorts. "Yeah, right."

"It's true!"

"Don't insult my intelligence, Doctor. You were being deliberately unhelpful," she accuses and emphasizes her point with a jab in his chest.

"Ow!" he whines dramatically.

"What made you change your mind?" Her voice is serious now and she's staring at him as if she's trying to see straight into his soul… and the funny… weird thing is, he feels as if she really can.

"What? Bringing you on board my baby or deciding to help you find your time traveler man?" he asks.

"Both!" She laughs a little.

"Because the Tardis wants you to stay," he answers, surprising both of them. But the words were out of his mouth before he had even thought about it. _Oh, why not? I never stop talking anyways…_ "And if there's one thing in this universe that I trust, it's the Tardis."

xoxox

Victoria had been calling out for help and for the time traveler that she had lost but cannot remember…. And the Tardis had answered her broken soul.

She remembers that she had been a time traveler, spending her days tagging along with someone she can only guess is a Time Agent. For all she knows, she is a Time Agent too. She doesn't remember anything about him except for the fact that he had changed her life… changed her destiny to become something more. She feels a void in her heart where he once belonged and she knows without a doubt that she loved him more than life itself and that she had been torn away from him by terrible forces that her mind will not reveal…

Victoria is reeling from the Doctor's decision… but she thanks this beautiful alien time machine for her part in persuading the Doctor because it's like he said; if there was anything he trusted, it was this mysterious ship… his beloved Tardis.


	8. Bleed With Me

Chapter 7: Bleed with Me

Sometimes I sit and watch the ink leak from my pen. It comforts me to know something else bleeds the way I do.

-Anonymous

The Tardis leads her to a beautiful bedroom with soft, baby-blue walls and an angelic queen sized bed with a white duvet sprinkled with spring green leaves and light pink roses. Victoria can't help but wander into the cute adjoining bathroom, with its gigantic mirror and pearly white bath. She feels as if she's in heaven. Without conscious thought, she reaches out and gently touches the wall, sending a heartfelt thanks to the Tardis for making her feel so welcomed. She's not surprised when an answering hum whispers around the room.

Victoria wanders back to the console room in awe of the sheer size of the ship. When she emerges from a branching hallway, her mind goes blank as she takes in the sight of a heartbroken man.

As soon as Victoria disappears, the Doctor feels his legs tremble before he crashes to his knees. He covers his face with his hands, trying desperately to will away the pain of remembering. Memories of Rose engulf him, tearing at his soul. He feels so guilty for agreeing to help Victoria, as if it's some betrayal to Rose. It's only been a day since he last saw Rose… taking on a companion… if she can even be called that… just seems so wrong.

He struggles against his memories… those endless images of laughing with Rose, wishing to bury them all away. He doesn't understand why this hurts so much… why this time, he just can't let go. He had selfishly hoped that he could keep her for the rest of her life, and maybe that's where he went wrong. Maybe he had been right all along… maybe he never did deserve to feel happy. But why can't he push her to the back of his mind with those thousands of other bittersweet images? Why can't he dim the lights of this particular room and just walk away? Why does he still have this foolish hope?

_You said it was impossible to ever connect the two worlds after Mickey left, but you were wrong. What makes you so sure that it won't happen again? _He scoffs at himself in derision. _Don't be stupid. You thick-headed, Mr. Thick thick thick! The universe has never been so kind and it never will be. _

He can almost laugh. _Maybe I _have_ gone crazy. _

His emotions run every which way. He doesn't know whether his brain's controlling him or his hearts. Which one's telling him to cry? To laugh? To scream? To die?

He squeezes his eyes shut to banish the voices. Thousands of voices echoing through his mind. But they all belong to her. _Doctor… _Her voice sings, whispers, echoes through his soul.

He shouts something… he's not sure what, but everything recedes and he realizes that he's not alone.

"Rose!" he shouts.

And suddenly, Victoria understands.

This man is a Time Lord. He's the last of his kind. She knows he's old. She can feel the knowledge of a thousand lifetimes breathing in this room. She can sense his loneliness and now, she knows why he had looked so broken and so lost when they first met.

Rose.

He had lost someone he loved. Probably someone he traveled with. A girl.

She stands frozen, unsure of what to do. She wants so badly to go to his side and to comfort him because she's hurting the same way. She knows his pain, she _lives_ it.

_Go to him…_

Victoria looks up at the circular ceiling. _Is that you, Tardis? _

There is no answer.

She glances back at him, only to realize that he's staring at her with an ocean of pain and hurt in his dark eyes. So much hurt that it takes her breath away.

He can see understanding and empathy in her dark blue eyes. He knows without knowing how that she's trying to tell him that she _knows._

_It's not fair, _he wants to say. _She was my everything. It's not fair. I found her. She saved me. I needed her. I still need her. Can't live without her. Don't want to. Make the universe give her back! _

But he doesn't. Instead, he bounces up and beams at her with a cheerfulness he's not sure he'll ever be able to feel again.

"Find your room okay?"

She doesn't answer him. She frowns and tilts her head in a way that's so utterly Rose that for a moment, he forgets that she isn't, and takes a step toward her.

He pauses. _Victoria. Not Rose. Victoria._

She stares at him in what looks like heartbreak and just a little disapproval.

"So," he says. "Where do you want to go?" He attempts another face-splitting grin. _Maybe it'd be easier to just get Botox. Archaic surgical attempts from the twenty-first century. _

She's suddenly by his side with her small hand on his arm. "Stop," she whispers. "Just stop, Doctor."

He clenches his hands and refuses to look at her. He knows what he'll see. He knows what she wants. _Perhaps a little heart-to-heart? _Why did he bother taking these stupid little human females along? They were always so _feely. Talk about your emotions, this and stop and remember, that. _Why couldn't they just be proper companions for once and just mind their own bloody business?!

"Doctor." She's pleading now, softly.

Insistent. Why were they always so stubborn?

"You can't just go on like this," she says gently.

Annoyingly caring.

"It's going to kill you."

And so, so ignorant. So blissfully ignorant, but equally brave.

"Doctor, why are you doing this?" she asks, her voice tinged with frustration and sympathy.

Never would understand him. Never could stop talking.

She sighs and reaches up, gently touching the side of his face.

He can't help but close his eyes. He's not alone anymore, yet he's so lost.

"You loved her." Not a question.

Always trying to insinuate themselves into trouble.

He opens his mouth to tell her that she doesn't know what she's talking about, but the look in her eyes shuts him up.

So much pain. Always so much pain.

She lifts her chin a little. Defiant to the very end.

But wasn't this what he loved about each and every single one of them?

He sighs and feels a little weight –just a nano-ounce- lift off of his shoulders as he gazes at her in resignation. Why fight it? She would drag it out of him kicking and screaming sooner or later.

"She saved me. She gave me a reason to live again after I killed everyone. After I lost everything, she saved me from myself. And everything out there," he says, tears flooding his vision. "I lo- I… God, I loved her. So much." His voice breaks as he chokes on a sob.

Victoria's arms are suddenly around him even as he collapses to the ground in sorrow.

_Loved her. So much. Miss her. Kill me. Please, kill me. Can't live without her. Won't. Give her back to me! _He repeats over and over as Victoria holds him tight.

_I'm sorry,_ she murmurs.

And through his pain, he can feel her shaking a little. And he knows that she's crying, too.


	9. Dreaming of Her

**Chapter 8: Dreaming of Her**

_A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song. __-Maya Angelou_

He's sitting in _her_ room, silently gazing at the soft-pink walls, holding the blue and purple shirt she wore on her first adventure together with him in this body. The shirt she wore when she was someone else and kissing him like he had wanted her to kiss him ever since she'd saved him from those plastic dummies.

He closes his eyes and lets himself fall back onto her bed, trying not to break down yet again as the lingering scent of strawberries and cream seem to rise off her pillows.

He can still taste the sweetness that was her mouth, smell the lingering traces of the perfume she wore that day. He remembers the way she ran her hands through his hair and wishes, _longs_ for a thousand hundred more days like that with just him and Rose, holding each other, and her inside her own head, kissing him like he had always dreamed.

He sighs and tries hard not to think about Rose and instead focuses on Victoria. Why had he talked? About anything? Why had he broken down like that? Why did he trust her? Why had he cried holding onto her? Why?

He looks up at the ceiling, silently thinking about how he so easily poured out all the pain when he had kept them under lockdown for so very long.

_Who is she?_ He asks the Tardis.

He receives nothing but silence.

His mind wanders through a thousand million realms, trying to come up with something, some explanation, but nothing makes sense. His head aches with the possibilities… the endless possibilities. He presses the heels of his hands against his eyes and curls up on the bed.

And soon enough, he finds himself drifting off to sleep, thanks to some Tardis produced peace. And he hopes, wishes, _dreads_ that he will dream of _her_.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

"_Run!" the strange, tall man shouts, grabbing her hand and pulling her along. She obliges readily, eager and more than happy to get away from those moving plastic dummies. Adrenaline pumps through her body like crazy and he pulls her into an elevator, yanking off a plastic arm along the way. _

_She asks him if they are students, screaming inside about how ridiculous a theory that is the whole time. He tells her things that she can't quite wrap her mind around and ushers her toward the exit. _

_She's still a bit lost and confused when he opens up the door and asks, "I'm the Doctor by the way. What's your name?"_

"_Rose," she replies automatically._

_He grins manically and says, "Nice to meet you Rose. Now, run for your life!" He brandishes a bizarre object that she suspects is a bomb and she realizes with a thrill that her boring, dead-end life is about to change in ways she will never understand…_

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

The Tardis sings softly, watching over her occupants, paying special attention to Victoria, who tosses in her sleep, murmuring softly, dreaming about meeting Charles Dickens and gas spirits and a servant girl named Gwyneth…

_TBC..._


	10. Wrong Dates and Decisions

**Chapter 10: Wrong Dates and Decisions**

_If you want to understand today, you have to search yesterday. -Pearl S. Buck_

"Where are we?" she asks in wonder, eyes locked on the enormous alien trees towering above them, its leaves glimmering violet, a wonderful contrast against the soft pink sky.

"A little planet called Amaranthine," the Doctor replies, hands shoved deep into his pockets. Rocking back and forth a little on the balls of his feet, he grins widely. "We're about to witness one of the largest revolutions any planets in this solar system will ever experience."

"Wait, Amaranthine… isn't that a flower? And I don't believe you. About the revolution that is. There are little… aliens playing near the water over there." She gestures toward said aliens, who look like five-year-olds… if five-year-olds were slightly aqua in color and had gigantic feathery wings sprouting from their shoulder blades.

He pouts, expressive chocolate brown eyes wide. "Yes, it is a flower. It's a flower that's supposed to live for eternity. And that was _rude_!"

"Just like you, you mean?" she says before she can help herself.

"I'll have you know that… well…" he trails off, at a loss.

She smirks at him and looks out across the water. "So? Explain it. I can tell you're just dying to." She turns her head back, squinting at him with a large smile that quickly fades when she catches the look on his face.

Chocolate eyes shadowed and unfathomable and so very alien.

"Doctor?"

He blinks, and suddenly, the look is replaced by that manic grin she is starting to get used to.

"Right then, let's go!" he exclaims, grabbing her hand and dragging her along.

xoxoxoxoxox

She gasps for breath, laying on the grating of the Tardis control room, not caring that she's dripping mud and slime everywhere, and smiling evilly inside at the thought that he will have to clean it up by himself.

The Doctor collapses unceremoniously somewhere near the controls. She hears him pant for breath as he oozes into a comfortable position.

"'Everything is going to be okay,'" she mimics, using his I'm-so-brilliant-I-know-everything voice. "'No, they aren't cannibals! _Of course_ they don't want to kill us! We're just innocent bystanders!'"

"Okay, so I maybe fabricated most of that, but still… how was _I_ supposed to know that human is considered a delicacy in these parts?"

"Are you kidding me?" she screeches, jumping up and advancing toward him very slowly.

"Erm… no?"

Before she can even take two steps toward him, he shoots up and dashes down the corridor to the right. "Shower!" he shouts desperately.

"I'm so gonna kill you! Just wait, Doctor!"

Still, she breaks down in laughter, remembering the way the biggest, most muscular female Amaranthinian had eyed the thoroughly uncomfortable Doctor, who had nearly jumped out of his skin and dragged Victoria down with him into the slime infested swamp when the strong aqua female had not-so-gently caressed his backside. She thinks it was worth getting almost eaten.

"You should have been there," she whispers to the Tardis. "We really need to land in more places like that."

She grins and walks out of the control room, purposely dripping slime on the walls while apologizing to the Tardis. _Please understand… and don't help him clean up._

All she can hear is a soft lilting laugh filled with understanding and promise.

xoxoxoxoxox

"So, where to today, Mister I'm-All-Knowing?"

"Very funny," the Doctor replies with a slight pout.

"You know, we should head back to Amaranthine. That guard really seemed to fancy you." Victoria grins.

"Please, don't go there," he pleas, closing his eyes with a shudder.

"What? You really didn't find her rippling aqua muscles attractive?"

"Victoria!" he exclaims with a look of utter mortification. "Are you doing this because I got the date wrong?"

"Well, not only did we not see a revolution, I _did_ almost become the queen's main course. _And_ you dragged me into a swamp of snot-and-vomit-colored slime!"

"Thanks, could've done without the vivid imagery," he replies dryly. "Besides, I was the one who had to clean it up! Without help!" He glances at her pointedly.

"You deserved it! Acting like you knew everything when you clearly didn't!"

She smiles at him though, attempting to make up for her stinging remark.

"Oi! That was a simple mistake! One which I've already apologize for!"

Victoria laughs, clutching her middle.

"What?"

"Oh, I wasn't really that mad at you. It was sad enough, seeing your horrified, deer-in-the-headlights expression when she felt you up!" she giggles. "Besides, I did feel bad for making you clean up the whole mess by yourself, especially since I purposely smeared some on the walls."

"Aha! I knew it! You _did_ do it on purpose!"

"Yes, which is why I got up extra early this morning to make you banana pudding."

"I knew you did it on—you made what?" he asks, eyes wide and filled with awe. "Banana?"

"Yes." She holds out a small bowl with a spoon. "There's more in the fridge."

He grins at her manically and accepts the peace offering. "Thanks."

She smiles back a little, but mostly, she remembers her dreams of 1940s London, and the Blitz, of the Doctor's smiling face as he prattled on about bananas, where Rose met a man named Jack and danced to Glenn Miller with her Doctor.

As_this_ Doctor happily devours his pudding, Victoria looks over at the consoles, her heart beating faster. _I think… that I'm ready. I want to know. Tell me more about Rose._

The singing inside her mind grows a little louder, and she thinks she feels a small mental hug from the Tardis.


	11. Waiting for the Time to be Right

**Chapter 11: Waiting for the Time to be Right**

Courage is not the towering oak  
that sees storms come and go;  
it is the fragile blossom that  
opens in the snow.

-Alice Mackenzie Swaim 

_She studies him silently for days afterwards when she thinks—_hopes—_he's not looking. There's no noticeable change in him since… _The Incident_. Still, she knows it affected him. Sometimes, she looks up at him, catches him staring at her, and there's a strange light in his eyes that she's never seen before, not even when he had big ears and that leather jacket._

_She keeps telling herself that she'll work up the courage to say something, make it less awkward. But who's she kidding? _

_Maybe cowardice is a lesson he's taught her as well._

_After an adventure where he barely looks at her, she knows it's time to_do something_ before their friendship becomes irreparable._

_She hides in the depths of the Tardis with that old leather jacket she'd spent hours searching for while in the wardrobe room, hugging it tightly and crying and wondering _what happens now?

_Finally, she finds the strength to get up and she stashes the jacket in the darkness of her closet before showering and changing into fresh clothes. Taking a deep breath, she stares at the girl in the mirror, bereft of makeup and full of determination, before starting her search for him._

_She finds him in the library, staring silently into the fire, and her heart nearly shatters at the familiar faraway gaze in his eyes. She stares at him for a second, unable to move, thinking, God, I've missed that brooding him, before pulling herself and her heart together and coughing softly to warn him of her presence._

"_Rose!"_

_He's all forced smiles and guarded eyes, and she's lost before she can even begin._

"_Was wondering where you ran off to!"_

_His false cheeriness bites deeper than the distance he's struggled to put in between them in the last couple of days, and that more than anything else forces her to act. _

"_Doctor," she begins._

_He suddenly stiffens—it's subtle, really, but she knows him too well—and looks away quickly. He knows what she wants, and he does what she expected him to do. He stalls. _

"_D'you know where I put the sonic screwdriver?" he asks randomly._

_It hurts. She can't deny it. It bloody _hurts

"_In your pocket," she replies as lightly as possible._

"_Right."_

"_Doctor," she says again, but stops, unsure where to start._

"_You know, I think that last encounter with those Slyfaenians really messed up those new settings I added to the sonic screwdriver," he says, and this time, even he winces at the obviousness of what he's trying to do. He stands up quickly and turns his back on her._

_She wants to scream in frustration. All she wants to do is sort things out between them!_

"_Doctor—"_

"_So, where do you want to go next? Springs of Ivrogne? Did you know ivrogne is French for drunk? Now there's something even Jackie could enjoy!" he laughs delightedly at that, his back still turned._

"_Doctor—"_

"_Or we could go to Mount Olympus on the planet Titan. You know, they were the ones who started all that Greek mythology. A group of them landed on earth quite a while ago, thought it'd be amusing to start a new culture on earth, and now you've got school children learning the real history of an alien species that lives in a whole different solar system! How fantastic is that? I mean—"_

"_Yeah, sounds great," Rose snaps. "I'm gonna go change."_

_She storms out of the room in anger, completely missing his half-relieved expression so full of helplessness and regret and yearning. _What's happening to us? Why can't we ever just _talk_? Maybe it's too domestic for him… but how can _I_ pretend that, that didn't happen? Can't I even just explain to him how I feel?

_And remembering the way it felt to be completely helpless in her own body, she wraps her arms around herself. _I just want to talk to him.

_Instead, she slips silently into her room to change into an outfit that won't remind her of the way it felt, pressing her lips against his and feeling that small pressure being returned… even if it wasn't her in her head._

_xoxoxoxoxox _

Victoria wakes up with a phantom kiss on her lips and a heart full of misery._Rose..._

She sits up, pulling on a comfortable sweatshirt that she picked up in London when they went back that last time, landing in 2020. ("I'm much more comfortable in clothes from a time period that at least fit what memories I do have!" she'd said to him as he rolled his eyes and muttered "Women" under his breath.)

She thinks back to her dream. She doesn't know what to think, except maybe that it was a good thing Cassandra had thrown herself—and Rose—at the Doctor. Yet, remembering the way Rose's heart had nearly died when he tried to avoid the subject, Victoria thinks that maybe, sometimes, having everything all out in the open can be more damaging than secrets themselves.

_Oh, Tardis… how can someone be so blind? _

_I just want talk to him…_ Rose's voice echoes through Victoria's mind, and a flash of pure anger fills her heart. _How can he be so cold? So cruel?_

Victoria strides purposely out of her room, intent on finding the Doctor and demanding an explanation. She's halfway to the control room before she realizes what she's doing. Helplessness suddenly drains away her anger. _I can't tell him. He can't know that I know._

_Not until the time is right_.

She looks up at the soft lights above her. _But when will I know when the right time is?_

The Tardis hums softly in response. Sighing, Victoria casts one last gaze toward the control room and wanders slowly back to her room with her hand gently trailing along the walls.


End file.
